Defence mechanism

You raised your white flag

Even before you try

I could have given you another chance

If only you tried

But you didn't

Because you and I, 

We both knew

we're not worthy for each other.

Distraction

I could never ask you this

Am i a distraction to you?

Sometimes when i read some random books, i wonder what kind of book you're reading
How do you feel when you read those books
I wonder the genre of songs you listen to?
And which one do you prefer the most.
What kind of pets do you owned?
Your thought exactly when it's raining.
Do u like rain as much as i do? 
And if you do, do u know what is petrichor?
Which of these too you prefer the most, the sea or the snow?
Your dream list country you wanna travel to and why.
The list goes on.

And i want to be able to tell you this.
'I think u're sensible.'
I just don't know where to start
You said everythingelse was a distraction
And maybe i was part of them
Your distractions.

It's been long since I felt this way
And i just don't know when to stop.
But if you hint me right i will stop.
Just tell me, 

     what are your thoughts when it's raining?

I breath better in storm

Thought i would've stopped

Thought this will be the end

I sunk deeper into the ocean

Succumbed into the darkness

Managed to catch my breath in between

And swam back to the surface

Just to find out that 

It's still there

Like a damp crumbled paper painted with  pale water colour shade

That faint feeling ~

                                    stays.

White curtain

I heard. It's a little late but I heard - you quit. It's been a month now - well maybe. I thought i would have a change of heart. I looked at you from a distance while trying to find myself. It occured to me - maybe i will look at you differently now. Well, at least that's what i thought.

So does it mean you are nobody now? Or maybe at least i wouldn't be looking at you so high, like i always did- when i was a houseman still. Will everything become different now?

I guessed i was wrong. Im still trying to find you in my everyday, without fail. Yes, when i was busy you weren't anywhere to be found. But even the least trivial things reminds me of you --The sight of your head lifted up to me when i asked you random question on that very day, your voice i heard when i first met you during my 4th posting - i don't even know your name, i haven't seen your face but i knew it was you after all. Little did i know my heart will go this far - idiotically persistent.

In sha Allah, you'll be under his guidance. You'll shine just like how you always did, as far as i could remember. My thoughts and prayers will always be with you.

They say im a coward - i do nothing. I did not try at all. True. I cant. Just someday, maybe someday, may our path crossed and you'll be able to read this, and know it's meant for you.

And that moment, i hoped it wasn't too late
- and too long.

me and language

assalamualaikum.

hi. it's been long. yeah, i knew.  here's  the thing, i recently read some random comment in facebook on something that is quite familiar to all of us. this particular comment, was written by a random lady who intrigued my inner sense to find more about her, surprisingly. to be honest, there's nothing ridiculously enlightening about the comment. she didn't even receive heap of likes whatsoever from the readers but for some reasons, I am so fascinated by the way she put in her words. it's merely random comment you will come across it, scan through it lightly and scroll down without hesitance, nonchalantly. but not for me. i stopped, paused, and read it over and over again. read it as if i'm scrutinizing my unthinkable next few words or idioms i'm gonna use in my so called poem. hence, i stalked her. i was so lucky she didn't private her facebook account. well, who doesn't nowadays, right? the next few minutes were spent on reading all her comments lightly, mostly from her recent post. and i could say the words she typed in were so natural, so smooth that it falls and lie next to each other, forming a solid sentence perfectly. i figured i was way behind her, not even close. i wasn't on par with her in terms of language considering i did struggle in constructing sentence at some point or another. in fact, at this age, i still need to refer my work to the expertise, per se. by expertise, i meant my sister and brother who obviously way better than me in number of areas. i still have my doubt and i needed some english grammar freak to help me out. frankly speaking, i was a little bit jealous of them in terms of their command in english. they didn't even work that hard, but their talents were exceptional.  i remembered reading my brother's journal when he was still in boarding school, his words are cemented inside my brain. (okay that wasn't true, no way i would remember such unless it holds a different meaning that touched my heart). but i wasn't joking. no wonder he's an english debator at a very young age. he even made it to new straits time newspaper when he was only 12-ish. it may seems a bit negative on my side, but please take it in an easy way.

on a different note,  this doesn't downgraded me at all despite knowing I have tremendous work to catch up just to be on par with them in the future. wish me luck, im working my ass off for it albeit in a chill way. :)

gobaeg

 i remembered every single word my brother had said to me the other day, at first i felt stunted and a little offended but all of that make sense now. i knew he was referring to.. um who. I've come to terms with that;  it would not have work out anyway unless something miracle happen,and  i am the only person hoping for that miracle, standing lonely at the end of the line. it doesn't work that way though. i knew this long ago. but how. everyday i wake up, to find myself liking you more than i did yesterday. 

The dream.

alhamdulillah. it's been long and im glad to tell u guys i passed my final professional exam announced on 1st August just a month before. yeap. Dr nadwa aqeela waiting to be enslave by the upper hierarchy in soon-to-know government hospital, I supposed. anyhow, your utmost dua is encouraged and cherished. let's end it there. i don't to wish to talk about that. i go through my lappy and i found some random scratch written several weeks before study period, i guessed. you know, i'd always love to read lang leav piece of work. her words somehow strangely serene and kept lingering in my head for quite sometimes although most of it incorporate the theme of-love. cliche much? i love the fact that she brought me in to dive deeper in her sea of words, and indirectly having the same exquisite feeling or at least something like that. hence, this was made. i'm sorry if this is one crappy job, yeah i'm not a writer myself-i'm just wanted to write. tell me what you think if you read. does it somehow dragged you into the feeling i was when i wrote this? or something in between?

The Dream

I was at the room, I never knew where I was but everything seems familiar. Not long later, I have my own personal errand to finish, hence I left my things there – my laptop and whatnot on the table where I seated. And I was gone for good 1 to 2 hours, before returning back to the room. When I was on my way back, to the extent of my surprise, I saw his belongings – his turquoise checkered shirt, his bag and other things as well parked neatly on the chair in front of the room. My face lit up with undefined infinite hope knowing that if the time was just right and matched each other time zone, we could have meet each other eyes. So I sit back on the same spot I was at previously, waiting and hoping that by chance, I could set my eyes on the same face I’ve been seeing a long time ago. Just before the flare of my dream rises up, apparently and old man came, approaching me, seems reluctant initially but I greeted him with a warm smile. He told me I was not supposed to wait here, inside the room. Overwhelmingly, I packed my belongings as staying in the room was not an option for me anymore and as I walked my first step outside the room, I noticed his belongings were not there anymore – it was now in front of the table just across the room. At that particular moment, I knew that for sure he was here, somewhere around the room that if time could be just right and definite, our fate could intertwined, again. I turned left and right as I walked, taking the slowest step hoping that his head will popped up somewhere, appeared with the exquisite shining pair of eyes he have had, glistening in the darkness I shared.  But time was never on my favor anyway. And all this while, I live at that moment thinking that someday, somewhere on earth, it will eventually lead me back to him. At that time, I could sit at his favourite coffee shop, sipping a cup of warm latte while watching the down pouring rain through the transparent glass wall, talking how we have never be true with each other hearts since the very beginning. And until that time comes, I will still live at that excruciatingly painful but still a beautiful moment.

-nadwa aqeela-

tak kenal

TAK kenal
tapi rasa macam kenal
mungkin kerana seluruh penduduk langit mendoakan
mungkin Dia yg sengaja mencampakkan rasa kenal itu dlm hati hati kita
subhanallah

tenanglah kau di sana, iA syurga buatmu
sahabat yang tidak pernah ku kenal pada hayatnya
tp perginya dia bersama dengan sejuta rasa
seakan-akan kau, sahabat baikku.

empty

if there's one song im dedicating,

it would be this
.
.
and im dedicating this to you
:)

terrifying

fatal confidence

yesterday..

dr P : okay can someone tell me how does chronic DM lead to hepatomegaly

me doing short thinking and exactly after several secondss...

me : the idea is in chronic DM we hv decrease in insulin sensitivity. then this will induce liver to increase in gluconeogenesis in order to produce more glucose... bla3

dr P : so u think increase in gluconeogenesis will lead to hepatomegaly? my God. im worried of your basic physiology added up by how confidence u are in anwering somethg so wrong... 

full mind blown. pinch me hard to remind me as in to stop talking nonsense, spreading my ideas when i have the slightest doubt. luls.

kuku

kuku
i hate the ideology
that somehow someone has implanted the whole idea about it inside my brain
unintendedly
and how it lingers in my mind even at the time i hate the most
i hate the fact that how it doesn't matter to thee
and how huge the deal was to me
somehow this is burdensome
and i was trapped, suffocated
in this whole kuku thing
the most tragic part is
i could do nothing about it

kuku
something stupid that is ironically, so true

not enuff quorum. TWPUKM-UNPAD 2010

le girls.

and then there's me thinking will there be somebody who can read my nonverbal mind, understand my complete silenece & make love to my thoughts? 

time capsul

i am afraid that i might be hoarding hope
at some point
bits by bits has somehow brought whatever this is to the surface
i am worried of the reality check that will hit me through
once we've had travel far enough to that stage
and i will have no chance of looking back
rendering all those memories, reminiscing
wondering what could have been and could have not be
and  'what if' is the least I want to hear

so i keep myself safe and sound off my limit
before things are getting way too worse
and all left was never-ending regret of not dealing with this earlier
brush it off like evening breeze calmly blow the sand
nonchalantly

but still things are easier said than done
when time has stopped and punished me with that very sentence
when it was real and never a prophylaxis sanity as before
where at that moments onward a barricade has to be mounted
and primed was the only word i wished to dance in my brain

who is abam apam & OPNS?

so i would like to meet this 2 rising webtoon drawer (?) who are they?. 

what do i expect?
and yes, the least important i am, almost listless
im sure of it now

word salad

okay, so ceritanya ak skrg tgh diligentnye menyiapkan saki baki famili case study untuk fammed ni.
simple je sebenanye. tp aku tak tau knape. to begin with, ak jarang stress tapi tgh2 buat tiba-tiba aiyak mata ni kluar mencurah2. dan aku buat benda yg ak tak sll buat, tulis dlm blog ni. weird. im so weird. even waktu aku tgh taip ni pon, air mata aku dok kluar lagi.

what? biasela tu perempuan nangis. no it's not common to me. nangis tanpa sbb. or is this the effect hormone. and yes ak jarang stress. but this time aku midly stress. why? ok this is weird but im writing this down. don't judge me this is physiological. my period has been delayed for 11 days!! okay org akan ckp, chill la. ok this so weird to me considering that i have a regular period so this 11 days of period of amenorrhea is bothering me quite big. this is my very first time, biase kalau delay pn paling lame 3 hari dan i have quite a record on that. -_________-. im so so so risau right now. i told this to my friend, they said i'd probably been so stress which brought this issue to the surface. fair enough, ya Rabb pls grant me healthiness T.T

am i  being weirdo to bring this whole thing up? did i sound weird poiting this up particularly.. ohh Lord. even now, i felt like crying. it's so weird i probably need scenery therapy right now. having said that, scenery therapy means something related to the rain, sky, stars, moon, ocean anyyythinggg will do.

okay everyone i hope you guys will never read this. this is so peculiar even for me. but but i just need to post this. i have to. in case you're wondering, no im not depress. i just have mood issue right now and im dealing it by writing all this down.

in case somebody read this, please pray that my period will return to normal and my healthiness. thank you. much appreciated

world

strange but true enough
some beings
even if you intended not to like these certain someone
you couldn't
because due to several reasons,which was simply unexplainable

but in a sense of way
if you were to look closer and deeper
of course not the fake superficial 'layer' that one might have shown you
you have to peel it off nonchalantly
sooner or later
at one point you'll eventually find that exquisite value
exist in each and everyone's heart
no matter how vague and indistinct they were
you just have to look inside thoroughly
right through the heart carefully
filled with love and positivity, without judgement or hatred

.
and then we can live in a better world
you me
and everyone

midnightoil

can't believe i still stalk you sometimes
dah jadi tunang orang pun
move on dude
ba.ha.ha.

nah here's a song i dedicated to you
so if i were to bump into you somehow
i'll get to sing this part to you



may you have a blissful marriage till jannah

farewell

you know sometimes when you looked up upon the sky
you see the clouds hiding several rays of sunshine
and automatically your mind was somehow drawn back to the time you miss the most
your childhood memories
where ironically but amazingly
you already knew at that point of time you were to miss that exact timezone

and when you held the door on one hand
another hand holding your friend's arm
at the very moment you accidentally saw a figure
and because you were shortsighted you scheme through the figure non-chalantly
with no obvious or specific reason
turn out it to be it was the one and only reason you went to that space in the first place
and in certain sense of way, you hoped that somehow
that very moment stays
or at least it tinged away something beautiful in the future

farewell to you
hope you were doing fine - i'm sure you will :)

hello 2016
2015 has been great
it was the year i met you
by coincidence
and yeah i guessed it would be nice if we share the same music preference
too much talking
happy new year, everyone.