k.h.i

i've been dragged down and i fall. i put on my courage and get up. i've been dragged again and i felt down, deeper. i woke up slowly and i try making some steps. i fall again.
yes it was painful
yes i was badly injured.
but i believe there'll be hikmah behind. i'll get the big picture after.

:'). but for now and forever, alhamdulillah.

chaos.

yeah. i'll tell ya. it is a big challenge for me. i feel rather awkward. for every movements & every talk & every stare. personally i do think this is a good starting point. to stop what hasn't been built, for turning over a new leaf, to wash away all these inappropriate thinking. i asked somebody 'did my face change?'. cause i felt deep inside it was chaotic, it's like all my facial muscles are aching and tingling as i curving a smile. i knew there are something good in every day. to count the blessings are countless'. i knew what i probably said wasn't even a challenge for some ppl. it is just one phase of life that when you meet with it, you hv to bear with it. i knew this long before. i wasn't as tough as one could think of. i am weak & fragile. oh Allah. let me not take this as things that will stop me, or trying to be something i don't wanna be. this is a test, i should have passed it easily. haven't i said i'll look more than anythingelse upon habluminallah compare to habluminannas (if i've to choose)?.yeah. i am deeply ashamed, how am i suppose to think of these as big when my brothers and sisters in rohingya, syria, gaza in fact anywhere are being killed, raped and bombed up? astaghfirullahaladzim.

i'm not sure if this is the hormones problem or anything.oh Allah forgive me for all this insignificant thinking. make me stronger so that i could leave insignificant things that i shouldn't be concern of behind. put on a better calming smile on my face. help me, guide me, guard me on my journey so that everyday i'm turning into a better muslimah. ameen.

‘From the good manners of Islam is to  

leave that which does not concern him.’ 

[Al-Tirmidhi] 

rubbish.

this has to stop.
my feeling my hatred & my expectation.
i think i'm standing on the red line.

oh i feel like crying.

hijrah.

it had been so long since my last time writing here.
it is maal hijrah today.
salam maal hijrah^^.

azam tahun baru ni nak lebih byk mengamalkan sunnah Rasulullah yg simple2 mcm minum madu, bersugi & sebaginye. yosshhh. gambatte ne~ :)

it may seem unfair, but it has been perfectly calculated by Him. :')

i have so much to say before. now that i've prayed. i felt relieved. so i have nothing to say now.

i believe Allah will give the best for me and do the rest.

:)

-nadwa-

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.”
( Al-Baqarah : 216)

untitled v

i have that kind of attitude. i've higher expectation on myself. most of the time, i give my all on something. eventhough it didn't look like it also.

actually i've gotten my soca result just now. yes, it wasn't excellent but yet not bad. it was 78. and after all, i should be grateful of what i've gotten. yet i come into that room, with a broad feeling, and hearing the comments from dr bony and dr fifi, i realise that i am far from my target. and my eyes start to tear up. there was that kind of feeling when i thought so much 'did i fail?'. it was such a long comments.

"nadwa, i'll believe you read many things but you have to learn to prioritize things. moreover, you only have 20 minutes after all. you couldn't fit 20 minutes with every knowledge u''ve learn to tell us in this short time.."
-dr bony-

that was one i remember so much. return home, i was confused and yet grateful, but still my eyes were teary. i walk alone, make 2 to 3 times wrong turn, with tears flowing. i don't even know why. it wasn't like i'm not grateful, i'm just put things back on place where it should be. and i was as fragile as glass. because i've this kind of habit, in which when i'm giving my best and my all, and i didn't accomplish what i've expected, or wished, or hope, not that i'm not grateful, my heart can easily mended.

i laughed just now. knowing i was taking soca as the end of the world matter. it wasn't the same feeling as when i get B's on soca before. because during that time, i've reach my limit. it is absolutely different feeling when i've fail crp before. at that time it fires me up to work even harder in crp.

and then when i was just sitting and do nothing, i felt something touch my litttle heart. it was like wind, calm but powerful enough, it makes me realise how stupid i was to have that kind of thought, that kind of sadness.i am watching something in just one point of view, so i'm missing the big picture.

yes, i'm missing the big picture. astaghfirullahaladzim. :(

indeed

i am truely grateful this didn't last long.oh Allah, i am truely grateful for each and everything u've given for i knew it is the best for me. i might not known the hikmah now, but i believe i will later. oh Allah, pls continue pouring your unconditional everlasting love to us, just like before, forever, in dunya and hereafter. oh Allah please forgive me for this irrational mind, i am shameful enough to have this thought. astaghfirullahalzim. oh Allah thank you for putting my heart back together and make me realize the beauty of patience. oh Allah, i'm grateful for everything.alhamdulillah. :').

'...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.' (Surah Baqarah: 216)

if there is no words to define, sing it.

it is nearly exam time.
i almost forgot about this. this is made by me, both the lyrics and the rhythm (also the chord).
it had been so long since the last time i played it. and then just now i played it again.
amazingly, i still remember the rhythms.

intro:

look upon the sky
the cloud was hiding the sun
and rainbows won't define
nor rain would do
just like the calm wind that blows into the dream
it lies too and froth
and it goes on and off

bridge:
if i have to wait under the falling beads of rains i will do 
if i was destined to meet you in this circle point
i'll meet you

chorus:
cause in the end
we'll never know 
if the word is true
and fairy tale 
in my canvas life
there's part of you.

intro & verse  : C*, Am, Dm, G

chorus           : Bm, E, Am, Em, G
                       Bm, E, Am, Em, D

*end with C*