Defence mechanism

You raised your white flag

Even before you try

I could have given you another chance

If only you tried

But you didn't

Because you and I, 

We both knew

we're not worthy for each other.

Distraction

I could never ask you this

Am i a distraction to you?

Sometimes when i read some random books, i wonder what kind of book you're reading
How do you feel when you read those books
I wonder the genre of songs you listen to?
And which one do you prefer the most.
What kind of pets do you owned?
Your thought exactly when it's raining.
Do u like rain as much as i do? 
And if you do, do u know what is petrichor?
Which of these too you prefer the most, the sea or the snow?
Your dream list country you wanna travel to and why.
The list goes on.

And i want to be able to tell you this.
'I think u're sensible.'
I just don't know where to start
You said everythingelse was a distraction
And maybe i was part of them
Your distractions.

It's been long since I felt this way
And i just don't know when to stop.
But if you hint me right i will stop.
Just tell me, 

     what are your thoughts when it's raining?

I breath better in storm

Thought i would've stopped

Thought this will be the end

I sunk deeper into the ocean

Succumbed into the darkness

Managed to catch my breath in between

And swam back to the surface

Just to find out that 

It's still there

Like a damp crumbled paper painted with  pale water colour shade

That faint feeling ~

                                    stays.

White curtain

I heard. It's a little late but I heard - you quit. It's been a month now - well maybe. I thought i would have a change of heart. I looked at you from a distance while trying to find myself. It occured to me - maybe i will look at you differently now. Well, at least that's what i thought.

So does it mean you are nobody now? Or maybe at least i wouldn't be looking at you so high, like i always did- when i was a houseman still. Will everything become different now?

I guessed i was wrong. Im still trying to find you in my everyday, without fail. Yes, when i was busy you weren't anywhere to be found. But even the least trivial things reminds me of you --The sight of your head lifted up to me when i asked you random question on that very day, your voice i heard when i first met you during my 4th posting - i don't even know your name, i haven't seen your face but i knew it was you after all. Little did i know my heart will go this far - idiotically persistent.

In sha Allah, you'll be under his guidance. You'll shine just like how you always did, as far as i could remember. My thoughts and prayers will always be with you.

They say im a coward - i do nothing. I did not try at all. True. I cant. Just someday, maybe someday, may our path crossed and you'll be able to read this, and know it's meant for you.

And that moment, i hoped it wasn't too late
- and too long.

me and language

assalamualaikum.

hi. it's been long. yeah, i knew.  here's  the thing, i recently read some random comment in facebook on something that is quite familiar to all of us. this particular comment, was written by a random lady who intrigued my inner sense to find more about her, surprisingly. to be honest, there's nothing ridiculously enlightening about the comment. she didn't even receive heap of likes whatsoever from the readers but for some reasons, I am so fascinated by the way she put in her words. it's merely random comment you will come across it, scan through it lightly and scroll down without hesitance, nonchalantly. but not for me. i stopped, paused, and read it over and over again. read it as if i'm scrutinizing my unthinkable next few words or idioms i'm gonna use in my so called poem. hence, i stalked her. i was so lucky she didn't private her facebook account. well, who doesn't nowadays, right? the next few minutes were spent on reading all her comments lightly, mostly from her recent post. and i could say the words she typed in were so natural, so smooth that it falls and lie next to each other, forming a solid sentence perfectly. i figured i was way behind her, not even close. i wasn't on par with her in terms of language considering i did struggle in constructing sentence at some point or another. in fact, at this age, i still need to refer my work to the expertise, per se. by expertise, i meant my sister and brother who obviously way better than me in number of areas. i still have my doubt and i needed some english grammar freak to help me out. frankly speaking, i was a little bit jealous of them in terms of their command in english. they didn't even work that hard, but their talents were exceptional.  i remembered reading my brother's journal when he was still in boarding school, his words are cemented inside my brain. (okay that wasn't true, no way i would remember such unless it holds a different meaning that touched my heart). but i wasn't joking. no wonder he's an english debator at a very young age. he even made it to new straits time newspaper when he was only 12-ish. it may seems a bit negative on my side, but please take it in an easy way.

on a different note,  this doesn't downgraded me at all despite knowing I have tremendous work to catch up just to be on par with them in the future. wish me luck, im working my ass off for it albeit in a chill way. :)

gobaeg

 i remembered every single word my brother had said to me the other day, at first i felt stunted and a little offended but all of that make sense now. i knew he was referring to.. um who. I've come to terms with that;  it would not have work out anyway unless something miracle happen,and  i am the only person hoping for that miracle, standing lonely at the end of the line. it doesn't work that way though. i knew this long ago. but how. everyday i wake up, to find myself liking you more than i did yesterday. 

The dream.

alhamdulillah. it's been long and im glad to tell u guys i passed my final professional exam announced on 1st August just a month before. yeap. Dr nadwa aqeela waiting to be enslave by the upper hierarchy in soon-to-know government hospital, I supposed. anyhow, your utmost dua is encouraged and cherished. let's end it there. i don't to wish to talk about that. i go through my lappy and i found some random scratch written several weeks before study period, i guessed. you know, i'd always love to read lang leav piece of work. her words somehow strangely serene and kept lingering in my head for quite sometimes although most of it incorporate the theme of-love. cliche much? i love the fact that she brought me in to dive deeper in her sea of words, and indirectly having the same exquisite feeling or at least something like that. hence, this was made. i'm sorry if this is one crappy job, yeah i'm not a writer myself-i'm just wanted to write. tell me what you think if you read. does it somehow dragged you into the feeling i was when i wrote this? or something in between?

The Dream

I was at the room, I never knew where I was but everything seems familiar. Not long later, I have my own personal errand to finish, hence I left my things there – my laptop and whatnot on the table where I seated. And I was gone for good 1 to 2 hours, before returning back to the room. When I was on my way back, to the extent of my surprise, I saw his belongings – his turquoise checkered shirt, his bag and other things as well parked neatly on the chair in front of the room. My face lit up with undefined infinite hope knowing that if the time was just right and matched each other time zone, we could have meet each other eyes. So I sit back on the same spot I was at previously, waiting and hoping that by chance, I could set my eyes on the same face I’ve been seeing a long time ago. Just before the flare of my dream rises up, apparently and old man came, approaching me, seems reluctant initially but I greeted him with a warm smile. He told me I was not supposed to wait here, inside the room. Overwhelmingly, I packed my belongings as staying in the room was not an option for me anymore and as I walked my first step outside the room, I noticed his belongings were not there anymore – it was now in front of the table just across the room. At that particular moment, I knew that for sure he was here, somewhere around the room that if time could be just right and definite, our fate could intertwined, again. I turned left and right as I walked, taking the slowest step hoping that his head will popped up somewhere, appeared with the exquisite shining pair of eyes he have had, glistening in the darkness I shared.  But time was never on my favor anyway. And all this while, I live at that moment thinking that someday, somewhere on earth, it will eventually lead me back to him. At that time, I could sit at his favourite coffee shop, sipping a cup of warm latte while watching the down pouring rain through the transparent glass wall, talking how we have never be true with each other hearts since the very beginning. And until that time comes, I will still live at that excruciatingly painful but still a beautiful moment.

-nadwa aqeela-