tainted

it feels strange
upon hearing those words came out from your mouth
never once crossed my mind
that you will be saying that
i was startled and amused and somewhere in between
hence
i tossed and turned
delaying every minutes and hours
struggling as if i was in a battle with 
myself as the opponent
just to figure out 
the best way to reply
keeping my pride and dignity first
above all
even when my heart intended to
prolong as much conversation with you


when you have finally asked
it's funny how
still 
my pride and dignity
has always held me back
from what my heart tells me to
i wasn't hesitating, really
i just wanted to see
how determined you were
and i was wrong
concluded


it's been years now dear friend, more than a decade
since the last time i saw you
do you remember the postcard we've had fighting for?
well i couldn't remember the exact picture on the postcard
and what has made it so special, made it worth fighting for
all i knew was
the unexplained soothing feeling
that came along 
with every bits of memories 
that  echoed like a beautifully played melody in my mind
of every moments when you were with me

things i love

the scent of rain, watching drops of fallen rain and feels its soft touch on tips of finger

listening to beautiful songs and correlate life with the meaning lies beneath each

having someone who share the same interests on bands and songs that you love, and discussed over it sometimes

travel alone in train at night without fixed destination, having seat beside window pane

read someone's words or phrases and find something inside you that interconnected with those

the glow of golden brown sun rays in the late evening before the sunset when it reflects over the window or someone's hair

a good book that you really immersed into it

composing a song with guitar in the thought of someone dear

having slice of cake and cup of coffee in deserted cafe and met someone accidentally and unplanned

the fresh smell of dawn

having someone dedicated and sing a song to you

fallen leaves in breezy evening, with apparent serene sound of wind blowing

lying on the grass watching the stars and wait for shooting stars at night, with someone that gives you butterflies in sweet silence

last

i can't contemplate
of what was inside my little heart
all along the weeks and days
i've been through this posting

today was nothing like what i've imagined
for the rest of the weeks
if i could pick a song to it
it would definitely bad day by daniel powter
maybe i was hormonal
or how my defence mechanism inflicted
entangled with green-eyed jealousy out of nowhere
and here comes the gushing massive flood of tears
when there was really nothing to sob of

in spite of the excruciating mere lunatic heart throbbing
pain scene whereby i played the main role
definitely there'll be blessings in disguise
i just have to buckle up, picking up the rest of courages that remained
unseen but intact
unapparent but true
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
today
marked the end of my orthopaedic posting
and so does my feeling