perfectly imperfect

such a sweet setting and storyline.

the rage i'm keeping

the rage i'm keeping

in the heart that beating

in the world i'm living

was unintended

it was not meant to be that way

as part of me trying

to untie the complicated knot

when the other half of me

was making it more complex

voluntarily; and involuntarily

endlessly

i whisper to several ears

in the hope to get some shoulders to lean on

some extended arms with beautiful wide open heart

to those who will clarify what rights from wrongs

when i've already knew it priorly

the precious thing one needed was actually a reminder

a kind and honest reminder, literally

i stood up straight and claimed my right

and not to forget my whining and pride

as if it was all mine, and forever be bright

but deep inside

it was dark and gloomy

tinged with hasad and jealousy

'istighfar'

they told me constantly

fix your relationship with Him

overflowing words from one mouth to another

everything happen for a reason, the big picture you get to see later, In Sha Allah

I almost knew it all; priorly

yes

i just need a selfless honest reminder

to freshen the thirsty qalb

untie

i show mom you
in the hope i could get dua from her
'hijabless' dua
i hope our path crossed again
   in a blessed way, of course.

numb.

i can't help but to feel it
the pain is excruciating, as if it is crushing my bones to the deep
as i pretend to hide it in between the layers of skin and muscles
the pain of being betrayed when dirts were spread on your face-almost finely without you having chance to defense it
i spoke as if it doesn't matter, i couldn't care less
where it hurts badly that i felt numb, inside

and somehow this very pain
makes me wonder of what i've done so far
that this pain is so rendering; so destructing; it must hv been my misdeed before
my misjudgement that gives others - which i don't know who the same feeling (i hope not)

now that i know how the pain was
from the bottom of my heart, i am truely deeply sorry if i'd caused this type of pain before
to someone, somewhere out there - whoever you are

so next time when you wanted to accuse people on something
make sure that it is right
if it's right you get one 
but if it's wrong, u get two
the sin of fitnah and and backbitting
a gentle reminder to myself too
and you get two now, i could say for my words are true

people will forget words, especially for the party that speak
but people will never forget how you've made them feel

true; wound would healed, and i-we smiled and i-we laughed
but true as well, it would scarred

and yet they say time will fix it all
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
false - it's the heart

season.

16 august 2014.
my sahabah wedding, she was part of ABLA.
truthfully, deep in my heart i was happy intertwined with overflowing sadness as i knew it will never be the same between all of us again.
she will now have more responsibility and other more important things to be taken care of
of course, that was a childish side of mine
one day, we all will step on this staircase too, just like her
iA, may Allah granted us zauj yg soleh, aamin 
the childish heart of mine was wounded again filled with excitement and astonishment as i knew another abla-ee will build up her baitul this year on november
my eyes were teary, literally
we are 6 all of us, and now 2 had settled down in marriage and another 1 on this upcoming november

i was being greedy, i knew
i was sulking a bit, in my own way
when there was just 2 of us
in front of mosque, 
she asked me something. she was all demure and sweet looking. let me introduce her as XYZ. 

"nadwa, ape tujuan kita berkhwin?"

i gave that empty look. answering her question with another question.

"ape tujuan kita berkahwin XYZ?"

she paused a moment, there was a smile curved on her face. her face lits with hope and modesty.

"takpelah kalau tujuan kita berkahwin supaya ada yg melindungi, or nak anak dan sebagainya. tapi sebenarnya on top of that, tujuan kita berkahwin hanyalah kerana yang kat atas tu.. kerana Allah" she pointed up her finger, upwards.

i looked at her, interested. her lips was still tinged with a smile.

"kalau kita rasa dengan berkahwin, dapat mendekatkan kita lagi dgn maha Esa, maka berkahwinlah. klu tujuan kita hanya kerana Allah, any outcome of the marriage pn kita dapat terima. sbb yang kita nak Allah. yang kita harapkan Allah. bukan lelaki tu. sbb tujuan kite satu, nak cari redha Allah,"

she was a friend of mine since years ago. we always have this kind of small misagreement, but behind that, i knew we all loved and appreciated each other truthfully. i am lucky Allah had sent me all this these wonderful friends that had help me to become who i am today, who love and accepted me unconditionally, who pulled me closer when i'm far.

alhamdulillah for this nikmah. 

i love u guys, ABLA so much. :')

alhamdulillah.

alhamdulillah.

'only to those who fail, are able to know the sweetness of success'

result came out yesterday. at that time, i was literally on my way back to kl. i have no idea about it until maya called. and later, several of messages came in, sharing happiness and gratitude from friedns and studymate. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.

i nodded happily as i knew, alhamdulillah, most of us are able to pass through it.  of course, there are several who will make it, maybe not today, but little that we know about all the hikmahs left behind. hey, Allah plan is the best of the best, right?

and then the next thing i knew, i was in the car, continuing my journey. it was dark outside and inside, my nephew and niece both are sleeping, and i sinked into deeper thoughts. of course, with a smile tinged on my lips. then the very 'talk' came to my mind, that particular talk i've always remembered.

"kalau kita mendapat sesuatu kejayaan, janganla kita merasa hebat. boleh jadi kita sebenarnya hebat disebabkan doa mak bapak kita je. doa mak bapak yang tiada hijab, dan dengan izin Allah kita berjaya.."

of course, as a human, there is sometimes that small ugly things linger in heart, staining it dark. we wouldn't want it, but we can't help it. thus, with istighfar and the thought of this phrase will pull me back down to earth as how it suppose to be. we are lucky we have parents to pray for us. who love us unconditionally. no matter what we do :') alhamdulillah for this nikmat of family and parents.

i'll never forget this. never once, never will. amin.

sky fall.

malam ke 24 ramadhan
tarawikh pertama selepas peperiksaan di kampung
itu kali pertama aku mendengar bacaannya
di saat dia mengimamkan tarawikh di kampungku
ku agak waktu itu umurnya belasan tahun atau mungkin di sekolah menengah 
penuh rasa ingin tahu, esoknya ak bertanya kepda teman sekampungku
kami sebaya tetapi dia lebih tahu tentang selok belok kampung 
"oh itu mungkin anak pak YXXX, seorang hafiz al Quran, umur baru 20 tahun rasanya,"

malam itu
tarawikh cuma 8, selebihnya disambung khatam al Quran
usai majlis itu, langkah kaki ku orak laju keluar dari masjid
saat itu benar-benar imam muda itu melintasi 10 langkah jarak dariku 
dia berpaling sekilas, aku memandangnya tepat
sayang, aku masih tidak dapat melihat wajahnya yang sebenar kerana silau mata

malam tadi
seperti biasa dia masih mengimamkan tarawikh di kampungku
malam ini malam terakhir tarawikh sebelum raya
lantas aku memecah kebiasaan
rakaat terakhir, sempat ak menyelit satu doa
yang ku kira biarlah rahsia
kakak sudah di rumah lantas kakiku laju melangkah mendapatkan motor usai solat
sebelah tangan memegang kain telekung, sebelah lagi kunci motor

lansung tak terbayang dek akalku
tiba di simpang surau, benar-benar imam muda dari bahagian lelaki
melintas di laluan perempuan, ku kira ingin ke tandas mungkin
oleh kerana terkejut dan agak segan, aku masih belum mampu melihat wajahnya
aku cuma mengenalinya kerana jubah coklat muda separa buku lali yang selalu menjadi pakaiannya tiap kali terawikh
dan jalannya yang sentiasa tertunduk, separa membongkok
yang ku lihat dari balik tirai birujarang bahagian perempuan setiap kali dia ingin mengangkat takbirnya

enjin motor ku hidupkan, sengaja aku tunggu di atas motor 
dengan harapan imam muda itu akan melintas lagi
ini mungkin peluang terakhir untuk melihat wajahnya sehingga ramadhan tahun hadapan
sebab selepas ini kalau kami berselisih bahu di kampung pun mana mungkin aku dapat mengenalinya
tanpa jubah coklat kebiasaannya dan lebai putih membalut kepala
dan seperti yang aku harapkan, dia berjalan laju beberapa meter dariku
masih tertunduk dan menunduk
menjaga pandangan mungkin
dan masih, hanya bahagian tepi wajahnya dapat aku lihat
imam muda itu melangkah laju keluar dari pagar masjid, pulang ke rumah
aku pula, memulas laju enjin motor ke laluan yang berbeza

dalam pulangku aku tersenyum 
imam muda itu berjaya membuka catatan lembaran baru dalam hidupku.

final.

final's over.
but literally it doesn't. could feel my heart skipped a beat this coming friday when our anticipated result will finally come out.
still, there's this one posting i literally should go through in certain.
and for the coming years, i still hv to go thru that one particular postg again.
yeap, read me. it'S O&G
and that's for sure.
internal medicine and community medicine, i really hoped we have done the best we could do and it's enough. u'll never know until it's been written black and white on paper.
until then, u live in the world full of questions but without a fixed answer.
there's always something unanswered lingering through ur days until that very time.
and the best thing we could do now, are both dua and tawakkal.
may He make it easy for us and we finally step on 4th year and the last year without problem, without having ourselves to repeat any of the postings. may we passed with flying colours for all the posting(s) that left. Amin.

and here i am. still in the front of same old window pane.
nobody's home. the last person left several hours ago. 
i'd always enjoyed the feeling of being with myself and no one else. i can feel contented of being alone, without having to care about anyone or anything else.
well that doesn't mean i dislike company. it's just that this moment means a lot for people who really can see on the other site.
listening to my favorite mellow jam, and sometimes even pluck the string just to get into the mood.
and literally, u know u are never alone
there's always Him.

really need ur dua too, guys. pls pray for us.
thanks for every good words given.

miserable.

the fact that i go through my day and felt heavy hearted over certain situation;

i really deserve a good slap right on my face

somebody could u hit me so hard that i will overlooked all the unimportant things

and started to prioritize what should be top on the list

and discard away all the unimportant what not

.and then i ended up writing here, thinking of tomorrow where i'll be cycling early in the morning, with good tracks stuff in both of my ears;
well that doesn't rhyme, at least it makes me happy :)
join me, what says you?

scarves on.

assalamualaikum. not to mention in the hope of everybody is aware of it, ramadhan is just around the corner. i was doing some reading thruout facebook homepage, when one of my friend came out with this.


http://nailahatiqah.blogspot.com/2014/05/scarves-on-beginning.html?spref=fb

personally, i thought it was a brilliant fresh idea. there are lots of hijabs i hv had in my closet, some of it are still brand new, yet i did not wear it much. there are only certain hijabs i usually wear, and most of it are syrias. so if i could give it to people who need it the most, i will be more than satisfied. just imagine, if u donate ur hijabs, and somebody wear it, the prices are countless. it was beautiful too, to have someone u never knew, related in the bond of 'islam' wearing something u previously owned. isn't it? i was once an active blogger,  i wondered how i've never came out with ideas like this though. --"

lets just cut it short. so if u guys wanted to join, donate ur hijabs, just click here for more informations.

spread the love everyone and donate ur hijabs dear hijabees..salam ramadhan.

wild flower

i found this sooo hardd to erase. both the songs and the mv. at the end of the song, it's like something was left untold, something so deep that lingers at the very deep of your heart, intertwined with fated misunderstanding, unresolved yet unerased, even when time pass by ; literally so much time pass by.

melancholic much? well, it's just me in the middle of the night.

illa : white flower that reminds you of your first love -juniel-

to my mother and all moms' in the world :)

saying words i love you
is not the words i want to hear from you.

just a recap
and btw u'd shown me more than enough how gigantic ur love is. so this song just don't fit but somehow it rings  a bell somewhere. hee. it's just a lame-o thought of mine.

i love you very much mak. 
there's no word that could describe how much i love u. 
may Allah granted you & us jannah :') 

 love, 
nadwa.

lol

the awkward moment when u literally add somebody in facebook
just to find out he/she's online but did not approve your request
lol
i'll never do this again --"
thiss is too much of embarassment for mankind.

kali pertama

hari ni buat kali pertama
mata terkebil-kebil 
basah tepi hujung mata
buat kali pertama
tunggu azan tepi tingkap 
dalam gelap
pertama kali dengar azan dalam dalam
lepas azan cepat-cepat cari stokin
buat kali pertama 
pergi surau
dalam surau tiada siapa, pelik
hujung ade seorang perempuan
tuduh labuh warna hitam
baju merah
buku berselerakan di tepinya
kusyuk mentelaah
berhati-hati, tegur dia

"err memang hari ni tak ramai orang jemaah ke kat sini?"

bibir terukir senyum, segan
die dongak, senyum lagi

"nanti lepas iqamat baru ramai. orang dtg lepas iqamat selalunye.."

lembut manis sahaje tuturnya
muka serba salah. bibir dia macam nak cakap sesuatu

"err dari mana? student sini ke?"

"student sini. hukm."

"tahun brapa? medic?"

"3rd year..medic"

"ohh tak pernah nampak pun.."

bibir senyum lagi. segan. aku segan dia segan.

"ini kali pertama.. kali pertama datang sini. sebelum ni tak pernah."

masing2 terdiam putus bicara. segan keduanya. senyum sajalah.

iqamat. tibe2. die bingkas bangun
dicapai sejadah dari hujung surau lalu dihulurkan kepadaku. 

"nah.."

katanya sambil tersenyum. 

hi.

so long since the last post. hi blog. did u miss me?awe :)

still with my almost-the-same schedule everyday. yet, still have many things to accomplish. still going through the journey of thousands unwritten dreams. still strugling, fell down, stumbling in this med school, getting sweaty all ahead getting scold by the rightful white collars (which i knew for my own benefit). 

still some time were spent on many things to feed on that very part of her. sneaking time in between thick books playing guitar in front of wide open window upon the falling rain; pretending to jog when what she did was just walking around like how she used to do at bandung, alone, in the beautiful sunsetty evening, with ear plugged with her most favourite coldplay songs top on the list; fluttered and never bored making  her very own never ending story when accidentally came across the messy looked senior who'd just finished his last year and soon will say good bye; still thinking subh  (or dawn)  is always a sign of new hope and will always be and how awesome it is to open up the window breaking the dawn and take in the fresh air; missing bandung when looking at the old photos, as if part of her was left there; thought that sunset is somehow extraordinarily attached to beautiful memories.

enough.

a deen lies within the dark lines, la tahzan..

dream'd

i wish i could put every places in my dream. it's not a 2014 dream, or even 2015, it is rather lifelong dream. to get lost in somewhere so far yet so near in the heart, embracing the soul of calmness and serenity. i dream'd of being there, step on both of my feet, even for just a moment. 

i guessed the feeling is almost the same as what i hv hd in mind for all this time; to board a train and headed nowhere from one end to the other end, without fixed destination or places to go. i've already put it inside my lucky jar. i wished it would be a dream-came-true.

1. Mendehall Ice Caves, Juneau, Alaska

it seems like fantasy here. if and only if i could be there for just a little while..

2. Bamboo Forest, Japan

they said it's like a huge windchime here, walking in a tunnnel with bamboos at your left and right. and as the wind blew, the beautiful naturally made sound appear, out of nowhere.

3. Wisteria Flower Tunnel, Japan

this is absolutely.. breathtaking. 

4. Tunnel Of Love, Ukraine

like a dream. this is absolute stunning, and it feels like watching the tenth kingdom as i pierced through this picture.
and last but not least,..

5. Salar De Uyuni, Bolivia

the toppest of the top. 

i hope someday we can go there together. and if not, dream is the only thing that matters. 

and.yes i included you in my dream.

days will get better.
oh Allah, pls grant my wishes my Lord. 
i am afraid, and so many thoughts run in mind.
guide us
protect us
and pls grant my wishes.
aamin.

cha eun sang x choi young do :)

 finally.
i steal some time to come out with this
how can doing video be one of my satisfaction?
guess that's just me ;)
i put my initial there, not that i think some people might plagiarized it sort
just that it'll be way cooler to put it down there. ha ha.

anyway
it's final dear.
pls pray for us..